Cancer Sucks

Yes, it should be pretty self evident these days, cancer sucks. The body literally attacking itself and destroying the living tissue while the inhabitant of the body tries to stay alive.
I’ve known and do know many people with cancer, but right now I seriously want to be able to personalize at least one cancer so I can beat the hell out of it and pulverize it for picking on my mom.

We have a weird thing with cancer and my mom; right around getting pregnant with our first kid was when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through the treatments and we all thought it was in remission. Then about the same time of learning that we were going to have our youngest daughter, it was discovered that my mom’s cancer was back and was considered stage 4 metastasized cancer. The first target was the bones in her spine and upper legs. Her doctors have done a decent to really good job, though my mom has had to do a lot of education as to what to look for, how to read results, etc so she could properly discuss matters with her doctor and point out concerning things (all of which have been real things that need looking into – not hypochondriac like things).

Over the years I’ve watched this thing take my mom from someone that loved to go for a hike (we once went all over Chaco checking out the old highways, finding the sites to mark all the solstices, every piece of the town, and wore my kid self completely out in the process), to someone that may never walk 400yrds at once again.   Its taken someone highly independent,  that would stand up to just about anything and be the fiercest thing out there if she needed to be, to someone that has had to admit they need care and has had to completely re-think her dreams about what she was going to do in retirement and with her grand kids.  Its caused this very strong woman to become feeble in action way before her time, just so she can save up the energy to appear stronger for those she loves.  Its caused unexplainable (to her docs) weight loss and now memory and speech issues – I hate it.

I want to eviscerate it, punch it, kick it, find a way to kill it, or at least beat it into submission.  I picture it out on runs or bike rides and envision that as I’m getting tired that it is dying, the next roller, corner, mile, step is another nail in its coffin.  All the adolescent outlets such as stomping on the gas pedal, cranking heavy metal, watching stuff blow up and vaporize help vent the frustration – or I’ll just wake up in the middle of the night and cry.

I’ll admit part of it is because it scares me too – since my dad had prostate cancer and my mom has breast cancer – my chances of getting cancer are statistically very high.  I don’t want my kids to go though losing a parent this way and I don’t want Hillary to be in the caretaker position.  I don’t want Hillary to suffer the same as my mom.  Then the real twister is my daughters – my wife and I are doing the best to raise our kids as healthy as we can and teach them good healthy ways to live their life.  We try to nurture in a way that shows that you don’t need to chase all the things that end up causing stress with little real gain.  I hope that medical advances make progress to help them out, maybe if they eat well enough and are able do something they love and falter on the side of kindness rather than anger, maybe that will help. In the end, all I can do is hope their karma isn’t to have cancer.  The real kicker with my daughters though, is that they won’t get to know their grandma the way that I know her.  Our older daughter has gotten to spend some quality time with my mom and hopefully will still get to spend more over the next several years.  I keep telling myself that our youngest still has a long long time to get to know her grandma, but with the nasty creature that cancer is, I don’t know..

I want my mom to beat the cancer and conquer it, I want it give back the dreams she had, give her her strength back,  let her get back everything its taken from her and then slink away… but then I have to realize, that maybe the cancer isn’t actually winning. It is affecting her greatly, but she is still calling the shots as to how she is going to deal with it and letting the things out of her control go – so in that way she has already beaten it no matter the outcome.

I still want to kick it’s teeth in though.

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